Miracles & This is it

I love hospitals. It's sick. And twisted. But I really enjoy being in a hospital. All the fast pace at which things occur, people walking fast but not running, everyone knows what to do and when, like a huge machine with perfectly synchronized chain-wheels. So I think I chose my profession well!

I spent one week in a small German city, called Kiel, about 45 minutes north of Hamburg, almost in Denmark.

This is what it looks like.




My big sister lives there, with her husband and her daughter. My sister is also a doctor (well, if truth be told, I'm not a doctor yet, so excuse me for the "also"), and she invited me to stay with her for a week. I arrived on a Friday, and left on Saturday of the week after. During the weekend we visited Hamburg, it was like -12ºC, so this huge lake was totally frozen, people could walk on it! (I did!).


















Then, during the week, I went to the hospital with her, and watched her perform surgeries all morning, and sometimes scrub in for some of them! She is still a resident, so there are people "above her", but they were really nice, explaining everything in English (my German is so bad...). It really was something! Although not quite as I had thought:

A lot of things happened that really moved me. The first one was this patient, she was 32 years old, and had a really aggressive form of uterus cancer. There was nothing the doctors could do for her, but to give her kind words of encouragement, and harsh words of truth. The truth, in this case, is that she had about 4 months to live. She was married and had a 4 year old daughter. She went home, and wrote six hundred pages of advice, and of nourishment and care, and of support and life lessons, and then some more, to her very loved daughter. She tried to write everything that she wouldn't be able to say during all the years that were to come. This gave her some peace. Even though there was nothing to be done about her longevity, there was a lot to be done for her life quality, and it was this that allowed her to write all those six hundred pages of love.

But as some lives end, others begin. On my fourth day at the hospital I got to scrub in for a caesarian section. It was one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I hope blood doesn't gross you out:

At this point you can't really see me, I was standing behind the lady doctor holding a retractor! (I'm sorry for the crappy quality, a nurse took this with my phone.)

I even cried a little (I know, how lame...), but just thinking that this was the beginning of a life, that something very beautiful and powerful had just taken place, and I had helped. And she (IT'S A GIRL!!!) was so cute, just a little perfect lovable creature.

So these two happenings, combined with me watching Prayers for Bobby (click the link to watch online... illegally lol) just got me thinking, and I realized something: this is it.

There is no other chance to be happy, there is no other chance to be yourself, to do what you were supposed to have done, to enjoy life, to live! If you waste an afternoon on bad humor and snide remarks, that afternoon will not be returned to you so you can use it better, you have already wasted it. If you (or I) waste time being miserable and not making the effort to improve ourselves, or being lazy and not trying hard enough, that time will not be returned to us to make better use of it. This is it, It's all or nothing! There is no second chance, there is only here and now, there is no second life to be lived differently. I had never really realized the truth and power behind one of the biggest clichés of all: "one life, live it well." Now I get it (or do I?).

So ever since I came back, I have this question left unanswered popping into my mind every single day on various occasions:

"Wasn't there someone I should have been today?"


So, was there?

D.

Update

I'm sorry I haven't written in so long, I miss it. The reason for this was college, it just keeps me really busy.

I have so much to write about, so tomorrow night, even if I only go to bed at 4 AM I'll write about what's been on my mind and heart, as usual. For now, I'll leave you with this, one of my favorites of all times.



See you tonight!

Love,

D.

Inspiration

Often I get inspired by this movie and/or it's songs.



It's a true story, about someone (Christopher McCandless) who just couldn't settle for materialistic compensation for his achievements, who was looking for himself, looking for something real, searching for some way to feel alive. Everyone should watch it, I'd love it if you would and then get back to me on what you thought of it.

I hope you become as inspired as I am when I think of this beautiful yet ultimately sad story. Often when I think of it I just want to drop everything, pack a bag, and just leave without a destiny. That's pretty much the moment that I realize I'm daydreaming lol.

Inspiration is everywhere (?)

D.

P.S. You may or may not have realized that this movie title was also my inspiration for the blog title!

P.S.2  I'm sorry I haven't written in such a long time, I was out of town, at a place without an internet connection (civilization, I have missed you!) studying, because I have a huge exam tomorrow. I'll be leaving the country on friday, and will only return the 23rd, so I'll get back to my regular writing then (with a day-by-day account of my trip to Germany!). Until then, see ya!

"And yet the menace of the years finds and shall find me unnafraid"

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how straight the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate;

I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley (1849-1903)

No, I'm not a poetry geek. Ok, maybe I am, because I already knew this piece of geniosity (is that even a word?), but it's not like I quote poetry all the time out of the blue! 

Back on track: I went to see Invictus, the movie that is, and I really loved it! Very powerful message, and a great rolemodel revealed to the masses (I know, but the truth is a lot of people don't know who Nelson Mandela is and/or what he's done...).

Kind of quoting the movie, I have to say that it's impressive that someone who was in jail for thirty-something years can come out totally ready to forgive those who locked him up in the first place. To a lot of people, this poem (It's called Invictus, which is latin for "undefeatable") is about keeping your ideas and ideals intact to the passing of time and turbulence To them, it speaks of maintaining fixed goals, and not giving up on trying to come out on top. To me, it says quite the opposite.

To me it speaks about remaining good-hearted regardless of what violence is thrown at you (not only physical violence). The day we start justifying our evil with other people's violence will be a very sad day indeed (oh wait, we're already there...).

This is actually a daily struggle to me, because I'm naturally a vindictive person (not like Kill Bill, I just don't like being steped on on purpose). So I try really hard to beat evil with excess of good. But in reality, it's not worth it. 

A very short time ago I realized, to my disappoitment, that doing the right thing never pays off, it's not worth it, you don't even feel better. The better person you try to be, the more people will stamp all over you, the more you'll be disappointed by the ones you thought gave a damn but actually don't, the more you'll feel like shit, the more you'll feel like a stupid "angel-wannabe". I think that the wisdom, maturity and resilience (and whatever else this poem is trying to shout out) are what sets a few apart. 

Those few (wich I try to be a part of, although I usually fail) believe that the instant gratification is not enough, and choose to live a different life. They choose to do the right thing, even knowing that it's not worth it (at least not in what society considers of worth these days), that it will bring them no good, except for the great feeling that is, when looking back after a while, to know in their heart that they did the right thing. I admire these people, and I have met very few of them. 

Nelson Mandela was one of these people.

When he left his prison cell, he hadn't allowed violence to rise inside of him, he knew that forgiving was the right thing, and that forgiving would make the world a little better. Like Ghandi said, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." I agree.

So keeping your ideals is not the idea! It's not the point. The point is to adjust to every situation, always searching to be better, to make for a better world. Maybe it's an utopy, so be it. I may not feel the biggest satisfaction momentarily, but I sure do feel good about myself when, after a while, I take a look back at the situations and reaffirm that I did the best that I could and knew how.

Again, I'm very sorry for not posting so often, I've been busy busy busy.

Thank you for reading, thank you for giving me the joy of knowing that someone reads what I write.

Yours, and trying to forgive,

D.

Presentation Fail

I'm sorry for being so long since my last post (4 days I believe). I've been really busy with college and stuff. Today I had to make a presentation about citogenetics (is that how it's written?) and I almost didn't have time to prepare for it, so when the "questions from the teachers" part began, we (that is my group of work and I) were completely murdered. At one point one of the teachers asked me something I didn't know, so I just made something up, needless to say that I answered it wrong. She just went: "well, that reveals extreme ignorance". Which meant that not only was my answer wrong, it also gave away how little I knew about the subject in question... What did I do? Burst out laughing!!! I just couldn't help myself!
It was just too funny of a situation not to laugh. Friends of mine were in the audience, friends of mine were presenting with me, this old woman calling me ignorant for the first time in my life, I just laughed. She was kind of confused, I mean, she was saying something really bad, and I was laughing? Makes no sense. Then, to end things on a positive note, just before we left the stage, she said "I guess you'll have to make a better effort next time"...

So as you can see I really need to dedicate more time to studying lol.

I will try to keep on posting regularly.

Thank you so much for reading and coming back, it really means a lot to know that I'm not writing in vain for no one to see.

Peace, always,

D.

Demolishing Walls

To feel connected, to not be alone. Isn't that what we all want?

Too many times I end up feeling that the more people I know (or the more friends I have), the more lonely on the inside I become. I think it's more a matter of quality rather than quantity of relationships, and I got that a long time ago. It still didn't prevent me from feeling alone in the middle of the crowd.

We all have some "dark places" inside of us, some traits of personality or some flaws that we want to keep to ourselves, that we never show, because we truly believe that if someone saw them they wouldn't want to be our friends, or our boyfriend/girlfriend, our parents or siblings.

So we start to build these walls around us (I know I do...), to keep others from seeing what's really going on inside.

Well, newflash: those walls don't just keep everybody out, they also fence you in.

There has been an incredible increase of blogs, vlogs, youtube channels, facebook and myspace acounts, more comments, more subscriptions, more people twittering and more people following. People are yearning to feel connected, to feel like they're not alone.

It's such a contradiction. We want to feel connected, yet do exactly what stops real connections from happening. I do this all the time, and it makes me feel really dumb.

What if everyone were to speak their mind? Would it be such a disaster? What if everyone stopped pretending like they're always ok and really count on friends when they have a problem? Why not open all these possibilities of real human connection?

A close friend of mine keeps twittering this quote over and over again: "wasn't there someone I should have been today?"

I'd like to hear your opinion on all of this. Are you also like me? Or do you have a secret formula to be yourself at all times?

Let's tear down the walls! It worked for Berlin, so why not for me?

Thank you for reading this (it's always a thrill going to my google analytics account and find out that people do read my blog, and that most of them do come back. I'm grateful to you for giving me that thrill everyday!).

Peace,

D.

"Looking back over my shoulder"

To look back, when you're 80, and to say: I was happy, I was myself, it was worth it, I left a print of love. That is my dream.